They can't all be hits. {The Story of a Bad Audition}

I can't believe I am going to tell you about this. Not because it's too personal or embarrassing (which it also is) but because it is so very fresh. So proceed with caution. 

I crumbled in an audition room recently. For the first time in a long time I had a truly bad audition. To be honest I can't remember if I have hit the floor this hard before. 

I had a series regular audition for a new network show. I was thrilled. I even had acting classes with one of the leads, I figured it was fate! I worked the shit out of the piece in the 24 hours I had, I coached for it, I read up on the show and watched all the existing trailers, all the things. And I did my best to ignore the character description to a certain degree because I firmly feel that playing the description is a recipe for a mediocre audition. 

Moving along to the next day I had a lot of confidence in my work. Shit, I even found an upfront parking spot at the office and as it is one of the most notoriously hard-to-park-at places ON a street cleaning day, I took this too as a good sign. 15 min early, no one was in the waiting room (I love that so much, it's like they're waiting for me and me alone). A brief hold and then I'm up and at em! The room itself was small (if you missed this article, the rooms never get better even for the bigger roles) and there was a (standard) blue sheet pinned to the wall behind me. A reader and a casting assistant were working with me. They seemed kind and chill. God I was so thrilled. 

Cut to four takes of the same first scene later, and I am melting into a puddle of mush. I was one line in to the first scene when I had to stop and say, "I'm gonna take that back." because I had disconnected for a second and was 100% out of it. I could have finished the take but I knew I'd get another go and watched to be fresh. 

*I usually don't do this unless I know I absolutely have to btw.*

I had followed that up with my first FULL take "ok" but the assistant had asked for a slight variation and rougher edges. I expected this somewhat and pushed on. But in the second take, I garbled a line, she stopped me, we went again, garbled the same line...rinse and repeat. 

I was fucked.

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The casting assistant literally said, "This is the last time we're doing this" before my last take. That did not aid my "rough hard exterior", this I know for sure. By the time we hit the second scene I was deflated but powering through, so much so I don't remember much about it. 

Then I was back out in my (front and center) car shaking like a leaf. I texted the 2 people I trust to tell these things to before melting into sobs. WTF happened to me?? I am calm AF in rooms! I OWN ROOMS! Who was this girl??!

Guys. That girl is all of us. At some point in time. Any high pressure situation at any given time. I was as prepared as I was going to be, but the height I have reached in my career is not yet there to let me relax just a little more into the roles. And I know this and I am learning from it. 

To be clear, I kept my shit together in the end. THAT is 100% from experience. But when I texted my friends from my car I literally said, "I won't ever write about this, this is far too embarrassing." But that is so counterintuitive to this site and my ideas behind it. If I just shared my success and not my defeats that would skew towards a VERY small percentage of my life. And I think this plays on not just here, but across my life in general! If all you ever run is your highlight reel, you're not showing the interesting parts. 

So here I am baring my soul and my shitty audition to you (from the safe distance of 7 days later, duh). I really encourage you too to share some bad auditions AND what you learned from them.

Here is my take away: I can't even for a moment consider roles big or small anymore. They need to be just roles. Once my mind goes to the life changing money and resume and whatever else, I've put the Pacific Ocean of pressure on my already heavy back.  

I feel better already.